Tag….I’m It

Hello out there **listens to faint echos**

Look, I know I fell off the face of the earth…I know.  So many things started happening that blogging is the last thing it seemed like I had time for.  It has literally been so long that when I went to go to my site Google didn’t even remember me! *Hangs head in shame*

Well some things have changed and some have stayed the same.  The best way to catch you up on the past *mumbles unintellibly* year+ is my fav….a bulleted list.

** I drafted this post last year….not even drafts are safe but I’m going to try to do another update **

• Football – Things got so much better with *A* and his first season football. He made friends including *J* who was his best friend on the team.  The boys went to the state fair together and to several of their teammates’ birthday parties.  *J* came over to play after one party which was nice.  Ultimately the boys went undefeated and were only scored on once the whole season.  #CapCity.  If that wasn’t good enough me and the other football moms got really close (not that we had a choice given that we were spending 8+ hours together a week).  I finally have MOM FRIENDS (with kids the same age).  A surprising note was that I was the 2^nd oldest mom there.  *Cue record scratch* say what now?!  That was an interesting change for me….I was really shocked honestly but I didn’t really care because we all had the same goals for our boys and have encountered the same struggles.  It was great meeting the ladies and we continue to check on each other and get together despite the fact that football ended for us in November.
• School – *A* started the first grade! Where has my baby gone?! **rolls around in my feelings** I was so hesitant about letting him continue at the same school given the issues we had last year however after asking him, he really wanted to stay.  His argument was that things will be different because he would be in a different class with a different teacher and different kids.  Logical optimism for the win.  I decided since he felt so confident about it I would trust him and let him stay but this was it….if this year wasn’t better I was going to either try to transfer him mid-year or DEFINITELY move him next year.  What can I say….sometimes from the mouth of babes.  This year has gone really well.  I love both his teacher and the teaching assistant.  They’re so patient with him.  He’s still hyperactive and struggles to stay on task but because of their classroom management they’re usually able to get him back on track.  He’s still a math whiz and hates showing his work, lol. According to him number lines are a waste of time….I agree.
• Vacation – *A* and I went on a cruise last summer with my Parents to the Bahamas. Long story short, he wanted to know if we could just live onboard forever, lol.  *A* and I spent a ridiculous amount of money in the arcade and ended every night in the pool.  He made friends with a couple of teenagers (seriously….they talked for hours….about what I’m not really sure).  We ate hotdogs at midnight and beat the Jurassic Park video game after 55 tries, lol.  It was a blast.  We also went to Atlanta to go to the Legoland Discovery Center and Aquarium.  Again, the parents joined us as well as my sister, my cousin, his wife and 7 year old son.  Again, a blast.  The aquarium was amazing (my mom was so excited because it’s the aquarium from the movie Daddy’s Little Girls, lol).  Legoland was exhausting and it was inside a mall which tells me when we make it to the real Lego Land I’m going to need a scooter of some sort.  We also ate at The OLG restaurant (which is owned by Kandi Burress of Xscape and RHOA).  Listen, if you ever go to Atlanta, it’s worth the 2 hour wait….trust me.
• Family – Michael’s Arts & Crafts has these Kids Craft classes on Saturdays in their stores. Andre and Mrs. B (a grandmother figure he lived with prior to going into care) get together to do these classes about once a month.  They enjoy them so much.  It also gives me time to make Target runs without him trying to maneuver us to the toy department.  It has been a great way for them to maintain their relationship.  Additionally, Mom finally responded to my Facebook message.  We ended up getting together for lunch and had a very interesting chat.  We’ve messaged a few times since but we haven’t planned anything for her and *A* to get together.  She hasn’t asked and there’s a part of me that feels like I should wait for her to initiate.  I’ve made it very clear that I’m open to that and even said that we can do the art classes.  I will also admit I feel guilty because I can contact her and I haven’t helped her and *A* reconnect.  After our lunch I was really worried about how them getting together would affect them both.  This is one of the hot-button topics that I’ve brought up with his therapist.  She calls it my ‘This is Us’ dilemma.  We’re figuring out the best way to facilitate it.
• General Boyhood updates – *A* turned 7!! We went to the Trampoline Park and Red Robin for his birthday per his request.  He surprisingly didn’t seem upset about not having a party this year.  Besides, he got a 4-wheeler for Christmas so unbeknownst to him it was either party or 4-wheeler.  I started giving *A* a little more independence so he picks out his own clothes and I let him decide how he wants to wear his hair.  We are currently rocking a Mohawk.  He’s so freakin cute with his Mohawk and it masks some of the corners on his head, lol.  I don’t know why but the mohawk made him seem more grown-up.  Maybe its because he had a clear vision of what he wanted and went to the barbershop and asked for it.  In January….after 2 LONGGGG years of waiting, *A* finally lost his first 2 teeth.  The permanent teeth had already grown in so braces are on our horizon.  In a shock to no one, the first one that he pulled came really loose after he hit his head on a table at school.  He can also fix his own Eggos for breakfast….he’s practically a man at this point.
• Other – *A* and I LOVE Black Lightening. I probably should’ve watched it without him first because I didn’t know it was PG-13.  Oh well.  It’s our new bonding time.  It comes on after his bed time so we watch together on Fridays.  Sidebar: We also watch Project Runway together from time-to-time and his commentary is hilarious….he’s like a mini Michael Kors.  We also watched Marvel Inhumans together.  He loved that one too.  He’s convinced that it’s back on air and I haven’t told him….he asks me about it weekly.  We recently went to the Marvel Universe Live show.  Listen, it was nothing but light-up toys, explosions and lasers.  I saw so many kids in costumes/masks (including *A* who rocked his Iron Man mask, gloves, and wrist shooter).   We’re both huge Marvel fans which means of course I’ve already gotten our tickets to see Black Panther.  I’m also making us custom shirts (if I can ever decide which designs I like best).  I’ll post pics….I also want us to wear matching chucks but he has outgrown his so we might go shopping just so we can be cute to the Nth power.  Also, in October I cut my locs!  I had been locing my hair for 10 years and I just wanted a change.  It’s been great so far but I do miss that ear coverage on those cold mornings.  I only miss them when I don’t feel like taming these curls.

Whew…those were some impressive bullet summaries if I say so myself.  Honestly….that was just the high level stuff.  There have been 2 important developments in Casa’d Future.

First, *A* was diagnosed with ADHD last year.  After MUCH back-and-forth, I was finally able to get him into a program to do an assessment.  Honestly, the diagnosis was a surprise to no one.  I didn’t tell him or the school because I didn’t really know what we were going to do (differently) moving forward.  Fast forward to a few snow days this year and I experienced firsthand how difficult it is for *A* to stay focused.  Ultimately I decided that we need to look into medication.  My sister and I met with the doctors at the Behavioral Clinic to ask questions and get a better understanding of the process.  *A* and I will be going back this week to start the process.  I got some books and we read them this weekend and I explained that just like the boy in the story that he has ADHD.  Surprisingly it took it very well.  He’s excited at the prospect of medication that will help him focus so he won’t be the last one to finish his assignments in class.  That just let me know that as frustrated as I’ve been, he’s been frustrated with school as well.  I felt much better about the whole (if not a little guilty for waiting so long).  I’m still not thrilled with the idea of informing his school….I still don’t trust them after last year despite the fact that his teacher is awesome this year.  I may not have a choice about telling them but it doesn’t matter; at this point they know what I’m willing to do to make sure that we get what we need to be successful.

In the most epic lead burial known to man…the most exciting thing that has happened is….

OUR ADOPTION WAS FINALIZED!!

There was no fanfare….just a lovely adoption decree randomly in the mail in October.  My wonderful friends threw us a party to celebrate our family and it was amazing.  *A*’s brother and his family came as well as my friends and family.  My licensing worker came as well as *A*’s GAL.  It was a hodgepodge of people from the various aspects of our lives and it was fun.  There was even a Power Ranger!  The best part were these wooden boxes which had hearts inside.  On the hearts everyone wrote their well wishes and encouraging words to get us through the challenging times.

Basically, the past *womp womp womp* months have been beyond busy.  I really want to do better about blogging but…..don’t be mad if I don’t, lol.  I mean the kid is in Taekwondo 3 days a week, we still go to therapy weekly and work has been kicking my butt recently.

** Just reading this back brings back memories and it was just last year.  So many things have changed **

Back from where we came

In an effort to help *A* socially (and use his excess energy in a positive way) we’ve tried several different sports.   At this point he’s done soccer (2 seasons), basketball, baseball, and even an intro hockey program.  During his last soccer season he would not listen and follow directions either at practice or during the games.  I told him that we were going to take a break from sports because he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to and wasn’t listening to the coach.  I would also like to point out that I would ask him if he wanted to try a sport SEVERAL times before I actually signed him up.

Fast forward to this spring, *A* begged me for MONTHS to let him play football.   Since football is only in the Fall and I had MAJOR reservations about him playing contact sports, I compromised and agreed to let him play Flag Football.  The condition for allowing him to play was that he needed to show me that he could listen and follow the directions of his coaches AND he had to show good sportsmanship (i.e. no whining/crying, no teasing, no rough playing).  Needless to say he has not done any of these things.  At this point he’s literally just standing on the field.  He is not popular on his team and in fact doesn’t have 1 friend.  The other boys have tried to cheer him up and talk to him but he just wants to be catered to and 6/7/8 year olds are NOT going to do that so they just walk away and leave him alone.  He spends the majority of his time on the bench pouting.  He does get to go in the game….but its primarily because they need to let other kids rest and the league requires that the kids get equal play time (which I am very against personally).

To be completely honest *A* doesn’t have any friends…football or otherwise.  It’s painful for me to watch.  Especially considering that I didn’t have friends growing up either.  I met my first real friend in COLLEGE.  I was 20 years old before I made friends.  I hung out with some kids at school but honestly that was it.  I literally talk with one person from high school and that’s about once every 3 years.  I do NOT want this for *A* but there’s nothing I can do about it. We’ve talked about how whining is not the way to get someone’s attention.  We’ve also discussed that things aren’t always going to go your way and that you can’t talk over others.  As usual he doesn’t think I know what I’m talking about and we end up back here….friendless and just waiting for the season to be over.

Like a crazy person I had already signed him up for tackle football.  That’s $200 down the drain.  At the time my friends and family convinced me that it would be good for him.  I’m just not willing to waste anymore time or quite frankly to suffer.  I get a heat rash anytime I’m outside longer than like 30 minutes.  Therefore, during yesterday’s 2 hours of nothingness, I end up with a horrendous rash on my arms and neck (despite slathering myself in sunscreen) and my ankle was so swollen from the heat (a previous issue that flares up in extreme temps).  So basically, I’m killing myself for 2 hours and all we get out of it is a tense car ride home.  Tackle is an even bigger committment with practice 3 days a week DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR (after an initial 2 weeks of daily conditioning practices) as well as the requirement that I volunteer throughout the season.  Again….for what?!  To watch him sit on a bench and pout?  I can do that at home for free without the rash and time suck.  At this point I’m going to ask for my $100 back (the other $100 was non-refundable) and we’re done with sports.  He can’t handle it and it’s not good for our relationship.  Maybe I’ll let him try again in a few years but he’ll have to show me major improvement in his attitude.

Squeaky Wheels

On Sunday, I received a phone call from my son’s principal.  She was very apologetic about the “situation”.  Ultimately the teacher’s assistant will be removed from my sons classroom.  I sincerely hope that in addition they provide her with more supervision and training because she CLEARLY needs it.

Score one for the squeaky wheel!

This brings up a new dilemma.  *A* wants to go to this school again next year.  I am VERY opposed to that.  My feeling is that it should not have taken almost 5 months to address my concerns.  I consistently received the proverbial ‘pat on the head’ and they acted as though I was over-reacting.  It should not have taken a letter to the Assistant Superintendent to get a real conversation started.  Especially considering I showed them my documentation of her bias back in January.  *A* is much more optimistic.  I told him that I didn’t want to send him there next year because I don’t feel like they treat him fairly.  His reply….”You mean when I get in trouble and none of the other kids do?”  Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.  If a 6-year-old sees this why didn’t the adminstration…especially after I explicitly brought it to their attention?! Anywho, *A* says he’ll be in a new class next year so things will be different.  How am I supposed to fight that kind of positive outlook?!?  I just don’t trust them.  There’s a push-pull though; on one hand, they now know that I’m a VERY involved parent and that I’m not just going to stand idly by while they do whatever they want but at the same time that could also backfire where they don’t tell me the things I really do need to know for fear of my response.  Le sigh….why couldn’t they have just done their jobs without my intervention?

I don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to decide quickly.  The Transfer Request period just opened today.

On a more upbeat note, *A* has grown and changed so much since he started Kindergarten.  On Saturday, I had a 6 hour foster care training and he went to the on site daycare.  As we’re standing in line to get him checked in he goes, “Do I have to wait in this line with you?”  **Clutches my mommy pearls** No but I wanted to say bye before I go to training.  He hit me with the stranger church lady one-armed hug and ran off like I didn’t exist.  SIR….come back and act like you love me!  Even though my little mommy feelings stung a bit I was excited that he was looking forward to playing with the other kids even though he only knew 2 of them.  His social interactions have improved by leaps and bounds and I love seeing it.

*A* also had his second flag football game this weekend.  I can always tell when he’s starting to understand a sport.  He was a defensive monster this game.  It was so great to watch him celebrate and be celebrated by his teammates and coaches.  He was so proud of himself.  The game was really good overall….it actually ended in a nail-biting tie….30-30.  One of the other parents was talking to my mom as I handed out snacks and asked her what we did with *A* in the past week because he got so good.  My mom went full Mimi and goes, nothing that’s just all him.  #GrandparentGush.  We did our normal post game ritual of talking about the game and going out to eat.  After we got home, *A* was still on his football high and I caught him dancing around in his room doing his superhero poses (I can’t describe the level of adorableness).  He also got to cut the grass with Granddad which is code for drive around on the lawnmower and yank on tree branches.

Last tidbit about my weekend…I clearly forgot that I’m a bubble child.  I checked the weather and it was supposed to be cloudy.  I went to the football without putting one drop of sunscreen on….now i’m covered in heat rashes (yes I still get them and I shant be judged because I still get infant illnesses, lol).

Today is May 1st and I want to wish my buddy Davis Christopher the Happiest of 1st Birthdays!!!

Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

I finally did it.  I filed a formal discrimination complaint against the teacher’s assistant in my sons class this morning. I have had multiple conferences explaining how to handle *A* effectively by not engaging in a back-and-forth discussion with him.  I didn’t think I would need to but I even said, “Give him instruction and walk away.  He will comply because he knows it’s not open for discussion.”  There have been 3 incidents where *A* was either blamed for something he didn’t do or received a consequence without the other children involved receiving the same consequence.

The straw that broke this particular camel came this Friday.  I was called to school because *A* was rough-housing with another student and he wouldn’t stop.  Based on the way the phone call went, I was expecting *A* to be in full Hulk mode suplexing every kid in site.  Imagine my surprise when I walk in to see him calmly playing with another kid at his desk.  After talking with the assistant she tells me that he and another student were running around and wrestling WITH. EACH. OTHER.  Uh, so why am I here and not the other parent?  No response.

Cue the steam shooting from my ears.  

It needs a little more cowbell

This skit is a SNL classic for me

It reflects the craziness in my mind.  *A* has been constantly asking me to have a baby.  He even asked his GAL to put that in the file for the judge. Cue record scratch.

Son, that’s not how it works.  Seriously.  On so many levels not how it works.  Anywho, while that’s not even remotely on the table….for reasons, I have given thought to adopting again.  Let me also insert here that *A*’s adoption isn’t even finalized yet.  Every time I think about it, the cowbell skit rears its hilarious head.  My life with *A* feels like a constant fight over homework and behavior yet I’m thinking about adding to our family?!  Why do I hate my sanity and free time?!

The Double Edged Sword of Adoption

This weekend was filled with highs and lows that perfectly illustrated the various emotions related to adoption.

My aunts (maternal) came to visit from SC this weekend.  *A* and I went to my parents’ so we could all spend time together.  We hung out and went to dinner on Friday.  My mom cooked breakfast on Saturday and I got to drive Mrs. Daisy (and her sisters) around town all day.  *A* had a blast.  He played with his cousins, my aunt threw the ball around with him in the front yard.  He had his first trip to Toys R Us….it was an epic weekend, lol.  He’s much more comfortable with our extended family.  It was a little tough for them because we’re huggers but *A* does NOT hug people unless he’s comfortable.  I explained it to my entire family beforehand but it was still a struggle for them because *A* is an extension of me so they want to give him the same affection they give me.  This weekend *A* hugged without hesitation.  It was a big deal.  As we left to come back home, my aunt was so exited that he actually initiated the hug.  They understood the significance of the hugs and were really happy that he’s beginning to feel that level of comfort in our family.

Broken Seesaw

I feel like *A* and I are stuck on a broken seesaw.  It feels like all discipline all the time.

Lately *A* has reverted back to his pre-Christmas behavior.  There was a week where he broke a soccer goal and faucet at school.  He ended that week by getting suspended.  That makes 3 suspensions in Kindergarten.  Le Sigh.

We figured out early on that incentives work really well with *A*.  I let him pick the reward and if it’s too outlandish we discuss how to make it more appropriate.  Incentives haven’t been working.  I let *A* set a goal for himself AND decide on the reward and that didn’t work either.  I just don’t know how to motivate him to do better.  I’m not asking for the impossible.  As it stands, his current goal is to be focused and on task half of the day for 5 days straight.  We have yet to hit this goal. I’m just at a loss as to what to do or try.  I’ve tried ignoring it, talking about it, loss of privileges and none of it works.  The issues have even begun to trickle into homework time.  We never used to have problems during homework time and now sometimes it takes 2 hours to read an 8 page book and write a sentence about it.

The Talk

This past week I had to have the first version of ‘the talk’ with my son.  For those who may be unfamiliar ‘the talk’ refers to the talk that parents of color have with their children ESPECIALLY male children.  The talk basically explains bias (usually racial bias) and how to conduct yourself when interacting with people of authority (usually the police).  I knew it was coming but I honestly thought we had more time.  More time for him to be a kid.  More time for his worldview not to be tainted.  More time for him to think that people see an exuberant little boy when they look at him.  Alas….that is not the case.

Expensive Dates

So after I vented all my frustration with school, I wanted to write something more inline with my ‘normal’ personality.  Thus the tale of the most expensive date ever.

So, *A* has been doing very well.  To celebrate I wanted to surprise him with an outing.  Let me tell you….this boy loves an outing.  He wants to go to Frankie’s Fun Park or Chuck-E-Cheese everyday.  Listen…..I’m just not able.  I don’t have that kind of patience or coin, lol.  I decided to surprise him on Saturday.  Monster Jam was in town and I said what the heck, we’ll just stroll up and buy some tickets.  I didn’t tell him where we were going but he was game….he loves surprises.

She’s baaaaaack

Guys……Listen, so much has happened since October.  I was just trying to make it.  September through December 2016 was truly one of the most challenging times of my life. Ish got super real and I realized that my job as a parent is full-time and my commitment must be unwavering.

So I’ve made no attempts to hide that we’ve had some challenges since starting Kindergarten.  We’ve had conference after conference to no avail.  I even brought in *A*’s therapist, social worker, Guardian ad litem and MY social worker to various meetings.  I’ve had meetings to discuss the impact mental health may be playing and what additional actions I  could undertake to help my son be successful.  We met with the school counselor, the principle and the school psychologist.  We’ve also brought in an impartial 3rd party to observe *A* in the classroom to help identify any issues, make suggestions and help with implementation.  After all of this, I’ve learned the following: